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September 3rd, 2005

06:41 pm - ponder.... Sometimes living in the moment is so hard. How did we mess love up? It looks so easy, but is so hard. Words kill the heart, especially when some don't understand what you are trying to say. I'm talking about love in general.... love of mankind. That's hard in the first place, but romanticy type love..... What makes it different? What should I do today? What about tomorrow.... I don't want to be hated for listening. Perhaps I need to live like I have an audience of 1. I think too much. Current Mood: scared Current Music: In the Blink of an Eye

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August 22nd, 2005

01:05 pm - random statements So, school begins, as we all know. Surprisingly, I have no real feelings about it. I just hope its fun and things get all patched up. So I found out that I'm a freak. Really I am. There is every reason in the world why no one would like me, lol. Too bad, sometimes a freak helps the world go round. And you know, I went to church yesterday and found I really like kids. And they like me too, whoa. They were cute and it was nice to find kids who think its fun to give and share, cuz that is so rare. ALSO, I love this series Pastor Jim is doing. That man, he is so much like, like my uncle or something. He is so koo. I feel bad for being sorta hard on certain people with my judgment. He helps us all see how the Church wasn't meant to be a judgmental, ruley place, but a place of healing for hurting people. Gosh, half the world has this Christianity thing wrong. Well, a movements gotta start somewhere. YAY ! I don't know why I'm excited, perhaps kindness really does make yourself glad as well. Mmmm, its nice out, I think I'll go jump on the trampoline. Current Mood: cheerful

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August 14th, 2005

12:36 pm - interesting feelings all combined So.... COLDPLAY! That was really great, I mean the concert. Before hand, though, I got a little frightened. At first I was really angry at the people behind us who were like blowing pot into our faces. That of course was the one day I didn't have my quiet time reading the Bible and such, and I felt right away how my heart got all un nice. but then I got a scarier feeling. I looked across the stadium, or whatever, and saw SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO many people drugged up and drunk and I became so dismayed that I began to shake. I find it so amazing that no one cares about the well being of these people or asks why they do it and if it makes them better. It's too bad their lives are going down the drain while everyone sits and accepts it. I had to say a prayer to call me down, and for those people. Sometimes I just want to cry thinking about all the people who have missed the point of life and have only found existance. I feel it so deep in my soul it aches. It's really not that I hate them or am judging them, like Aaron said. Cuz if he only knew how my heart really was feeling, maybe he wouldn't think that. BUT besides that,it was great. I love Coldplay. AND I LOVE MY CHURCH. we got this new worship band. 4 college guys who know how to play really well. It was so much fun and we sang some Lifehouse. I am convinced that church and my brothers and sisters in Christ are what get me through each week. Current Mood: contemplative Current Music: some Goo goo dolls song

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August 4th, 2005

05:37 pm I learned some interesting things today. I finally went to a doctor today, but a different kind... really smart. Not the type that puts you on drugs for everything. So she found out where all my energy goes to in my body and where my muscles are stressed and it was crazy. So, I use 90% of my energy just to keep me sitting or standing upright. That is INSANE! She's like, yeah, you better be tired. I'm like doing all my other activities on 10% energy. Explains why I'm so freakin tired. AND- it explains why my digestive system started shutting down. Well, hopefully this crap can get fixed so that hey I'll be normal. But what was really weird, she did this strange freak pressure point thing and she goes, "You have a lot on your mind? Emotional stress?" CRAZY- of course she says thats the priority even before my physical health. But yeah, thats a lot easier said than done. We'll see what happens. Ah- good news is, I'm going to the zoo tomorrow. Mhmmm, yay. Current Mood: tired Current Music: God

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July 31st, 2005

12:22 pm - thoughts so I'm quite happy at the moment. Baptism services today at church, and I love those. I love to hear the people's stories of their changed lives and how they want to show people how they are new creations in Christ. It makes me remember why I'm living, and who I'm living for. I think it makes me the happiest in the world. And I think I know what I want to do. I'm going to go to Spain. Don't know when or where, but I've heard so much about the ministry there and I always wanted to go there. Plus I love to speak Spanish and I love to share Christ. I feel it- I'm gonna go there, or something. Whoa. Thats all I have to say. I'm off to my cousin's birthday partay. Adios. Current Mood: ecstatic Current Music: Voice of Truth

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July 29th, 2005

07:24 pm - a lovely day Well, I've had quite a crazy week, and now I'm tired. I just keep falling asleep. But finally, I decided that I must get some crap done in my life before I get too old. It was one of those random realizations that make you really happy to try stuff new. So, my list: Learn guitar, learn to latin dance cuz it'd be fun, freakin finish my songs and put copyrights on them, learn to cook really good, visit more colleges and make up my mind! Alright, I'm done rambling. I might as well go and try learning some chords or something Current Mood: curious Current Music: Somewhere over the Rainbow

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July 25th, 2005

03:28 pm - YAY O MY GOSH! I just got back from Texas this morning. It was a blast. SOOOOO fun. BUT I GOT A PUPPY! Its soooooooo small and cute. Bailey May- a beagle/basset mix. I can't believe it, its so cute. And it plays with Sadie too. I'm so excited. AND STEVE'S COMING HOME TODAY! this is the greatest day. Current Mood: bouncy Current Music: I'm so excited

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July 15th, 2005

07:27 am - vacation Well, here I go again. I'm going out of town again. Leaving for Texas this early morning. I won't be back til the last week of July- and then my summer is practically over. Hmmm- and them AP scores best be back. BYE EVERYONE! Current Mood: groggy Current Music: Sponge Bob Square Pants

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July 12th, 2005

09:22 pm - I don't mean to make anyone angry. UH! I can't take this. I've been writing my lj's like I'm always happy and wutever. But I just gotta say it. I don't mean to hurt anyone, its just the truth. I just feel so far away- and maybe its a good thing. The closer I get, the more sad I am. I love my friends, I really do. They don't like me as much, and I guess its alright. I always thought they'd at least miss me every once in awhile. I think I'm just out of the picture until I butt in myself. That's alright, things happen for a reason. Sometimes it kills me though. What kills me more is that no one knows me. I'm like this person who know one will understand. I can't talk to a single person about my LIFE- only Sheryl and Steve. It used to be that we'd go to Timber-Lee and we could talk about God at anytime, without feeling stupid. I guess they all dropped Him or something, or just don't care because I'm left here alone with so few to talk to. God why do you allow this? I follow You, but now I'm almost alone. I hate how the world takes the good ones away from me. Its like I'm so close, but it doesn't matter. Since when can we call ourselves Christians and be so afraid to say "I'm a follower of Christ." They are one and the same, and I know I'm alone. I need to restart my life or something, move away. Current Mood: crushed Current Music: Voice of Truth

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09:10 pm "Father, hear my prayer. I need the perfect words, words that he will hear and know they're straight from You. I don't know what to say I only know it hurts to see my only friend slowly fade away.So maybe this time I'll speak the words of life, with Your fire in my eyes. But that old familiar fear is tearing at my words, What am I so afraid of? 'Cause here I go again. Talkin' bout the rain and mulling over things that won't live past today and as I dance around the truth. Time is not his friend, this might be my last chance to tell him that You love him. But here I go again, here I go again. Lord, You love him so, You gave Your only Son. If he will just believe; he will never die. But how then will he know what he has never heard. Lord he has never seen mirrored in my life. So maybe this time I'll speak the words of life with Your fire in my eyes. But that old familiar fear is tearing at my words. What am I so afraid of? 'Cause here I go again Talkin' bout the rain and mulling over things that won't live past today and as I dance around the truth. Time is not his friend. This might be my last chance to tell him that You love him. How then will he know what he has never heard..." Current Mood: contemplative Current Music: Casting Crowns

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